Loser List of Shame Continues:

Friends-who-requested-upgrade-in-relationship-and-drove-me-loco-in-the-process:

Redial-Carl: Carl seemed like a nice lad. But it seems the redial button on his phone was stuck. Carl, calling a girl every hour and leaving voicemails does NOT send the message that you're thinking about her. It just says: I am a crazy-stalking-s-o-b-so-run-run-as-fast-as-you-can.

Stuck-on-myself-Stephen: Vroom, vroom. Look at me! I have a six-figure-salary-a-Porsche-Carrera-but-no-discernable-personality. See ya later Stephen. It is not all about you. It is all about ME! Money doesn't make a man. (Unless it's billions! $_$ )

Hairy-Tortoise-Boy: Some of you know him and I don't want to hurt his feelings so I won't mention his name. But, HTB, you're just creepy. Really, really, creepy. Sorry man but you just make my skin crawl.

Psycho-S-man: Boy, did I read you wrong. I thought you were a little over-sensitive but I definately did not see your hissy fit coming. I still disagree with your assertion that I must be a racist bitch because I wouldn't date you. A comment which I found ironic coming from you with all your anti-(insert race/religion here) rhetoric. I'm glad you hate me.

End result: Upgrades, denied. Friendships, terminated.

Haha, aren't you all glad that you're not me?!

CoMOOdy Relief:
Last night, I got caught smuggling beef jerky.
My parents banned it from my diet on account of bad meat quality and probable mad cow infection as a result of the aforementioned low quality jerky treat.
But it is so salty and delicious. I can't resist it.
So I hid some under my pillow as a late-night snack.

I did not count on the fact that my mom might decide to lay down in my toasty warm bed (electric blanket) because Papa Kim made the grave mistake of unplugging the blanket in their room.
I took a dive for my pillow to hide the contraband but my skittish actions only drew further attention to my hidey-spot.

Alas, the jerky was discovered and I was forced to run with it while dodging my parents lazy attempt at beating me with their fists. I guess they're getting old. Or perhaps, they've just stopped caring.

Unwelcome Voicemail:
The sound of the ocean hitting the surf along the coast of the Gulf of Mexico.
It's snowing in Orillia and I get to listen to the ocean on my answering machine.
Thanks, you jerk. I hope you get a sunburn.

Express Food: The Food of the Future?

I was at a gas bar today when I saw a sign: McDonald's Express
Not just McDonald's but McDonald's Express.
Fast food isn't fast enough for us anymore! Haha. People of the 21st century. Progress.
I didn't check it out - but you can just imagine the quality of express food - express to an early death is more like it!
The burgers have taken on pill-form: designed to disolve on your tongue instantaneously, making its way directly to your arteries without the hassle of chewing and swallowing.

Wanted: Losers Apply Here!

These words must be written somewhere on MY forehead.
It would explain the fact that the cretins who find me most interesting are always jobless, toothless, hairy, crater-faced losers?! Admittedly, they're not ALL like that - just one - but even one is ONE TOO MANY!

Frankly, it's insulting.
After all, even I have my limits!

I have more than my share of bad seeds coming my way:
My list of ex-con-would-be-suitors: Tim, who told me he was "out west" in B.C. for the past few years (his mom told me he was in prison); Thom, who went to jail for a stint in years past because he impregnated a minor (the girl was a former classmate of mine); Mr. 13 1/2, he has that number tattooed in the corner of his left eye (in apparent celebration of the number of years he spent in prison).

It's so hard to choose just one.

Watched Dr. Phil yesterday. He had a big-time loser on his show: Jeremy, a 28 year old unemployed virgin who lives with his mom. When he complained about not having a girlfriend, Dr Phil asked him if he would even want to date someone who would actually consider dating him at this point.
Hahaha. What a loser. I point my finger and laugh at him. Cry me a river, Jeremy. Cry me a river.

With my luck, Jeremy would consider me a perfect match. *barf*
Perhaps, me and Jem are just peas in the same pod and I just don't know it.
Now THAT is a depressing thought.

In the meantime, I'm gonna continue to dodge sleazy come-ons from forty-something-thrice-divorced-cab-drivers while I'm ringing in smokes at the Ye Olde Variety Store. Shining Knight, I await you.
Someone whispers, "I don't think he's hanging around Orillia."

Bring on that Express Burger. I'm ready for it now.

Advice to Friend:
Just kill her. Justifiable homicide.
(Weapon of choice: Take her out for some Express Food)

I am seeing RED!

Just saw Mr. American Idol II on t.v. - Was feeling bad for Reuben since he was stiffed by the Idol producers/promoters/etc. when my roommie mentioned that pansy-flat-ass-pale-skinned-prissy-faced-Clay-D-Lang. Ooooh! I HATE HIM! Mr. Aiken. Mr. Punch-me-in-the-face. Mr. Put-me-on-Broadway-so-I-can-prance-and-wear-gloss.

I was never a bully. But that creature brings out the animal rage in me. My feral predator instincts make me want to WEED that boy out of our gene pool - he is weak. He is a sissy. And I want to pound him into a mushy pulp with an aluminum baseball bat... make that a bat with spikes on the end of it... to hell with the bat! Let's make it a mace. Crush him!

I am eager to help him BECOME "invisible".
Now that would be a very good thing. [FREE MARTHA!]

Advice for a friend:
Practice saying these words, "Don't touch me without my permission" or the ever effective, "NO!" However, girls in general don't really understand rejection; you might have to reinforce verbal communication with physical demonstration (I'll lend you my mace for this purpose).

Penis update:
It fell off in the shower.
Dammit, I didn't even get to write my name in the snow!

Phenomenon 1: My ear whistled today.
I didn't even know that was physically possible. While I was blowing my nose - my ear whistled. Who knew? Now both you and I do.

Was gonna go to my doctor (not about the ear whistling - but about my sickness in general) - However, he is currently on vacation. Grrr...

Phenomenon 2: I have a penis.
According to some spam mail, I have a penis. But not one that I'm happy with. I have a penis that I want to enlarge.
Well, after many years of denial, I took a brave step forward and clicked my way to happiness. Now, I am happy to report that I really can "make a tripod jealous".

Perhaps I should make an appointment to see my doctor about this "penis". I guess it will have to wait until March Break is over though.

Big thanks to Lil' sister Rolo - for telling me how to update my Blog - information without which I could not have shared the news of my ear whistle or my sub-sized-man-wich. Boom, baby!

Week 3:
*sniff*
I hab eh code, still.
*achoo!*