Express Food: The Food of the Future?

I was at a gas bar today when I saw a sign: McDonald's Express
Not just McDonald's but McDonald's Express.
Fast food isn't fast enough for us anymore! Haha. People of the 21st century. Progress.
I didn't check it out - but you can just imagine the quality of express food - express to an early death is more like it!
The burgers have taken on pill-form: designed to disolve on your tongue instantaneously, making its way directly to your arteries without the hassle of chewing and swallowing.

Wanted: Losers Apply Here!

These words must be written somewhere on MY forehead.
It would explain the fact that the cretins who find me most interesting are always jobless, toothless, hairy, crater-faced losers?! Admittedly, they're not ALL like that - just one - but even one is ONE TOO MANY!

Frankly, it's insulting.
After all, even I have my limits!

I have more than my share of bad seeds coming my way:
My list of ex-con-would-be-suitors: Tim, who told me he was "out west" in B.C. for the past few years (his mom told me he was in prison); Thom, who went to jail for a stint in years past because he impregnated a minor (the girl was a former classmate of mine); Mr. 13 1/2, he has that number tattooed in the corner of his left eye (in apparent celebration of the number of years he spent in prison).

It's so hard to choose just one.

Watched Dr. Phil yesterday. He had a big-time loser on his show: Jeremy, a 28 year old unemployed virgin who lives with his mom. When he complained about not having a girlfriend, Dr Phil asked him if he would even want to date someone who would actually consider dating him at this point.
Hahaha. What a loser. I point my finger and laugh at him. Cry me a river, Jeremy. Cry me a river.

With my luck, Jeremy would consider me a perfect match. *barf*
Perhaps, me and Jem are just peas in the same pod and I just don't know it.
Now THAT is a depressing thought.

In the meantime, I'm gonna continue to dodge sleazy come-ons from forty-something-thrice-divorced-cab-drivers while I'm ringing in smokes at the Ye Olde Variety Store. Shining Knight, I await you.
Someone whispers, "I don't think he's hanging around Orillia."

Bring on that Express Burger. I'm ready for it now.

Advice to Friend:
Just kill her. Justifiable homicide.
(Weapon of choice: Take her out for some Express Food)