ASIAN REDNECKS UNITE! (and the lil Romanian one)

You can take the girl outta the trash but you can't take the trash outta the girl.

Orillia Crew Unite. We got outta that podunk town just to move to Toronto and dress like Versace Hobos. [I'm not sure if we would have even been able to get into The Tux in yesternight's garb.]

TEAM PLASTIC! Due to some communication error, three little girls went to the bar wearing garbage bag dresses.

It was like an extremely budgeted episode of Project Runway or outta Zoolander:

Let me show you Derelicte. It is a fashion, a way of life inspired by the very homeless, the vagrants, the crack whores that make this wonderful city so unique.

I looked like a baked potato in my tinfoil & saran wrap tube top... but my shoes still matched my outfit! BOMB!

Let's go to Tim Hortons!!! There's one over there -- 40 feet away!

Has anyone in this family even SEEN a chicken?

Chach-chee-chach-chee!
Cock-a-caw! Cock-a-caw!
Coo-coo-ca-Cha!

To my 6am wake up caller:

1. THANKS.
2. Remember that fateful day when I told you that roosters WERE chickens. That's right! Not an entirely exotic species unto itself... but just a goshdarned boy-chicken. Now, what is a turkey, you ask? ... I have no fuckin idea what those freakishly large ugly creatures are.

RE: Roosters, Wikipedia says:

"Cock" is the original name for the male but has largely been dropped. The euphemism "rooster" took precedence over "cock" during the Victorian era and parts of the bird were similarly renamed, such as the "drumstick" for "leg") to avoid ostensibly sexually provocative language ("cock" is a coarse slang term for the penis).

Boss C says:

Fuck Victoria - Long Live the COCK!

Now pass me a couple of breasts and a thigh! Delish!!!

A YEAR IN REVIEW: My Wasted Life

1. KILL BELL... I am currently on my 5th cell phone within 1 year. Apparently, I am not compatible with electronic devices. Broke 3 of them and lost 1. Of course the warranties covered none of this. At least my phone plan is decent! - Oh wait. No, it isn't. Fack.

2. ACADEMIA... I am KIM WILDER. No real comments here. Other than the fact that I still hate economics and I suck at math. I don't know what I'm gonna do when I finally graduate. And NO, I am not going to do anything do to with politics or economics so the stupid piece of paper I get at the end of this won't mean shit. (But I'll get a nice frame for it and it'll look nice on my wall. Right next to my baby violin.)

3. BOOZE... Bless me Father for I have sinned, it has been 72 hours since my last drink. Oddly, enough, I'm on yet ANOTHER sobriety run. Gawddammit, I love the bottle. As one of my darling friends told me:

The entire school year can be documented by how much you drank, who you were with and what you were wearing. Fantastic shoes, by the way.

I concurr. I will probably end up selling my soul for a pair of shoes and a hard drink. Oh wait, I think I already have. [FYI: currently on the hunt for a pair of YELLOW stilettos.]

Classic CaroLUSH Moments:

1. Drinking a 26er of vodka to myself... straight... predrinking... Oh fun times! Teehee.

2. Predrinking before an open-bar formal. SO SICK!

3. Getting hammered at 5pm at a Crush Party - karaoke is a great idea but a KEG party afterwards is even better.

4. Random Wednesday lunch turns into wasted before 4pm and drunkenly shopping for sex toys in Kensington Mkt. [FYI: Best beer goggled decision EVER!]

5. Getting my drink on at 7AM and passing out by 10AM... that was an early party!

6. Drinking beers by the pitcher on any given Monday which led to moments such as - DANCE PARTY!!! and singing "Amazing Grace" in the backyard to the dwarf hamster Capt Jack.

7. Going to Sam's yoga class slightly toasted... I do NOT recommend.

8. Human Brunny Pretzel. If you don't know and you weren't there. I'm not explaining a thing.

9. Going to BEER MECCA with the frat boys - All I can drink (in 2 hrs) premium beers on draft - POUR IT YOURSELF if ya wanna... My goal: To drink EVERY KIND! I actually only had about 15 pints or so. I even shed a literal tear of JOY right before the first pint was tapped.

10. Getting carried outta Picadillys to hollas of "CA-ROL"... ouch. Security asked if someone forcefed me 20 shots in 10 minutes cause I was FIIIINE when he saw me a couple minutes before. Sweet. Since then, getting blindly wasted has been known as "Pulling a Carol"... There is even a rumoured "TEAM CAROL". (I know who you are!!! Grrr...)

4. BOYS... fuck boys. Literally. Giggity! *Oh La La* (JUST KIDDING!!!)
MEMO: I'll start dating again in March 2007. But until then: A girl's gotta have her fun! Holla!!!

5. GIRLS... I love, love, love my girls. If nothing else, I've learned a lot about friendship this year. The ties that bond. The shit that breaks. My dad always said that you're lucky if you have even ONE true friend. I must have been born under one special fuckin star cause I'm truly BLESSED. Quotin' music genius Steve Tyler:

I kept the right ones out. And let the wrongs ones in. Had an angel of mercy to see me through all my sins. There were times in my life, when I was going insane. Tryin' to walk through the pain. When I lost my grip and I hit the floor...

Haha... And some of y'all remember when I've hit the floor... literally. Thanks for picking me up. Also quite literally. (Sorry about the hair pulling!)
Communication is key. And trust your instincts. If something seems stinky, chances are, it's BULLSHIT!

For sticking by my side while I was dealing (or not dealing) with all the problems I had over the past years ... thanks. I'm still sorting through my empire of dirt but I know I can do it with y'all here by my side. GOOD TIMES CREW, HOLLA!

CHEERS TO ANOTHER YEAR OF FUN TIMES!!! With slightly less debachery ;)

And this time I'll be sober (enough) to document some of our tedious events! Fuck Facebook. I've got a BLOG!